Vampires

By popular demand, here's my considered opinion about the vampires. Shut the fuck up about them already, world!! I'm over hearing about them. I admit I used to play Vampire: The Masquerade.....in High School! And really the only reason I did that is because I liked the super powers, and Machiavellian back-stabbing (that and I couldn't slit someone's throat or hit them in the ribs with a sledge hammer in real life). But how many people have seen earlier vampire movies? What's the big deal?


I just don't get the allure anymore. People think they're erotic? Nosferatu was not fucking sexy, he was about as deformed a creature as I've ever seen. The myth has also been kind of appended to the extent that a vampire's bite is supposed to bring an almost orgasmic sensation. Now I didn't make it too far into Bram Stoker's "Dracula", but from what I remember, getting bit by the him hurt like a mother fucker and left his victims paralyzed and unable to resist. As for their unnatural beauty, without fail, the only hot chicks in any vampire movie are the ones who aren't vampires. What does that tell you? Bella Lugosi was probably the last (if not only) mildly handsome yet believable creature of the night.

Maybe that's what people like so much. Vampires are hunters in the darkness. Well guess what people? SO ARE RAPISTS!! And I don't see any spooky-sexy movies about the guy in a ski mask who holds a knife at your throat while you're at the ATM at 2 a.m and fucks you against your will.

Perhaps the main draw with vampires is that they hunt living beings and kill them in order to sustain themselves. Jeffrey Dahmer did that too, and if we hear about anyone sexually attracted to someone like that we assume they're not right in the head. Here's some food for thought, vampires drain the blood from living beings in order to sustain themselves. Sometimes they don't even kill their victims. They leave said victims alive so they can drink from them again later. There's a word for people like that: parasite. That's right, vampires are basically super-powered humans with the feeding habits of a flea. Not something I'd consider hot.

I suppose one of the main draws of vampires nowadays is that they seem tormented. I'll freely admit that I got bored reading "Dracula" and stopped reading it. But from what I did finish, Dracula didn't seem all that tormented at all. From what I saw he actually reveled in his nature and was in fact trying to recruit the main heroin into his harem of undead brides. Not seeing much self-loathing here.

Now one of the more popular vampire stories these days is Twilight. I'd like to point out something about the main character from the movie previews I've seen. More than a fair amount of the movie takes place during the day time. Now by folkloric definition, vampires cannot go out during the day or they die. That's not an opinion, that's the very root of the vampiric mythology. The fact that the hero of the Twilight story, Edmund apparently spends his days doing anything other than sleeping kind implies that he's not a vampire at all, but more of a Highlander with Renfield's Syndrome (look it up. it's a real thing). And as the story goes, he's several hundred years old and a virgin! How on earth could one live that long looking like someone on his way to tryouts for some boy-band and not have gotten laid at least once over the centuries?! Is that even physically possible? Okay, maybe it's a moral thing for him, adultery and such. But then how the FUCK can you reconcile drinking the blood of a living human to stay alive and consider sex wrong? It defies rational thought. Seriously, I can feel my brain cells popping like a bowl of rice crispies just considering it.

Now don't get me wrong, I am quite fascinated by various folkloric figures. But you can bet dollars to pesos that not one of them has ever been a masturbatory fantasy for me. That being said, all you vampire lovers need to get your heads out of your asses and find something better to do with your time.